Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Per Diem

I recently accepted a per diem RN position and will most likely start working in the next couple of weeks. Dean and I did not plan on me returning to work (if ever) this soon especially since Nathaniel just turned six weeks yesterday. To be honest, when I started applying for per diem positions earlier this month, I didn't think I would already be offered a position three weeks later. The job only requires me to work four days a month and be on standby every 7th weekend and one major holiday where I will get paid half of my hourly salary while being on standy. It truly is a great offer where it fits with our schedule (10-hr shift), earn extra $ while keeping up my nursing skills, and will only be away from my little boy once or twice a week and still able to spend time with Dean during the weekends. We're afraid that if we let this pass and wait until the regular 12-weeks maternity leave that I won't be able to find a job as flexible as this one. So after much discussion and praying, we have decided to take the position as a Diagnostic Imaging RN. It will difficult leaving my son especially for the first month or so with the hospital and departmental orientation where I am required to come in three to four days a week but it sure will be nice to have fun money and be able to go to Indiana more than once or twice a year.

It is so nice to see the Indianapolis Colts go the Super Bowl again. It really makes me wish I am in Indiana even with the snow forecast they are going to get tonight. I was reading the post I wrote when the Colts won the Super Bowl in 2007 where I said they better win another one so I could go the celebration rally. Looks like I won't be going this one again :(

Working as a nursing student at St. Francis Emergency Department

Dean and I celebrated seven years of being a couple last January 19th. And by "celebrated," I mean he went to work and I spent all day with Nathaniel :) It's funny to think that if you had told me a year ago that by next year: I'll be a military spouse, mommy, and living in California--I would have told you you are out of your mind. It's amazing how life can change so much in so little time. And although I'm still learning how to fill all these roles, I don't think I could think of a better partner than my other half to share all these with.

Just seven days as Mommy & Daddy

Friday, January 15, 2010

One Month Old

Nathaniel is a month old today!

With his Big Ted from Uncle Robbie

I'm ashamed to admit that most days I wish Nathaniel is already a little bit older because I have this irrational belief that things will be just easier if he is. And now that I look at the past month, that belief is true in some aspects but now my heart also aches... I look at my son and cannot believe that he's already a month old. Soon he will be smiling, "talking", crawling, and next thing I know he'll be running away from me.

And so I snuggle with my little boy a little bit longer. Look at him more intently. And treasure these moments that I know won't last very long.

10 days old

He didn't have to wake up, he'd been up all night
Laying there in bed listening to his new born baby cry
He makes a pot of coffee, he splashes water on his face
His wife gives him a kiss and says it's gonna be ok

It won’t be like this for long
One day soon we'll look back laughing
At the week we brought her home
This phase is gonna fly by so baby just hold on
‘Cause it won't be like this for long
-Darius Rucker

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Little Monster

My little monster, as I like to call him recently, is four weeks and two days today. We were unable to get him weighed last Tuesday since I started "training" him to sleep on his own again without being held so needless to say it was a very long, draining day that included tons of crying from both mommy and baby. I'm assuming Nathaniel is now more than 10lbs since he weighed 9lbs, 13oz last Friday.

4 weeks, 1 day

It is so sad to think that this precious face quickly turned to the next picture in an hour time span because I layed him down in his bassinet after falling asleep while breastfeeding. My husband and I are questioning whether Nathaniel is too young for the "crying out method" and to be honest I am still against it. Listening to him cry his little heart out literally gives me a headache not because it sounds annoying but rather because I have to fight every ounce in my body that's telling me to console my son. Dean says he doesn't mind holding Nathaniel even at nights and even when he has to be up by 0400 to go to work at 0500 (darn those marines for PT-ing at 0500! Yes, thank you for keeping my husband looking hot & sexy but can it be please a little bit later?). I don't mind "cuddling" with him during the day either but we've had two occasions when we were both so exhausted that we wake up, three to four hours later, with Nathaniel's face right next to us--sleeping with us on our bed. So as much as I hate listening to him cry, it is safer if he sleeps in his own bassinet.

Lots of well meaning parents have been telling us it's better to break him out of this habbit now and that it usually takes three days to a week for him to realize that he can't be held so we're just hoping and praying it happens soon. I've also read that my little boy is too young to realize and remember what we're trying to teach him. *sigh* Nathaniel is currently snoozing in his swing right now but only after I held him for 30 minutes after falling asleep. I can totally do this during the day but at nights, all I really want to do is feed him, place him in his bassinet, and sleep! No waiting and holding him for at least 15 minutes first because I'm tired too (I guess that's being selfish in my part) and that could quickly turn to a baby sleeping next to us without even knowing we "placed him there" in the first place. Anyway, whether this method is actually working or he's just plain exhausted from crying so he's finally "sleeping on his own"... well, I guess I'll never know which one for sure.

Yes, those are real tears :(

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

The "Other Side" of Parenthood

Warning: This post is very personal and shows an extremely vulnerable side of yours truly. If you think you are unable to keep yourself from judging me and from seeing me as a human being who is constantly learning from life and makes mistakes... then please ignore this post.

No stories or advice can truly prepare you for the hardship of parenthood until you actually become a parent. And for me to say that the last few weeks had brought me nothing but rewarding emotions would be... a complete lie. In fact, it feels as though I'm finding myself constantly questioning the decisions and actions I've made that lead me to where I am right now.

I hope it's justifiable to have this emotions because of what I've been through the past three weeks: from being a first time parent, for having baby blues due to a complicated labor & delivery, to breastfeeding issues, and to the constant battle to keep and soothe my child from being in pain. But I still cannot help but feel inadequate as a parent and that maybe I was better off without a child. And as soon as those thoughts enter my mind, I then feel even worse because I am sorry for this little child for being entrusted to me.

But that is just it... God entrusted me with this life. He chose me to nurture, care for, and love this human being. So even though taking a shower, eating, and pooping have become a luxury, I get up and do what I'm supposed to do even when I have to force myself most of the time. If only the feeling of inadequacy goes away, I know this parenting thing will come much easier. I just need to start believing in my ability to raise this little boy just as God believed and know that I can.
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