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Thursday, March 14, 2013

Healing Incantation

(Lunch with my firstborn)

When I had our first miscarriage in July, I knew I wanted to celebrate Elijah Damaris' brief life on earth by celebrating it on the due date. And then when we lost another one (Ruth James), I became even more determined to celebrate and remember these little ones on that specific day. Well, today is that day. Today was supposed to be our second child's birth day.

Flower, gleam and glow
Let your power shine

I wanted today to be a happy celebration. Joyous at the thought that we have, not just one, but two little angels waiting to meet us in heaven. And I knew that I would have a moment of sadness. But I didn't expect to feel just and only that.

Make the clock reverse
Bring back what once was mine

I cried two days ago when Nathaniel pointed at a snoozing little baby in a stroller and said he wanted one. I cried at the grocery store as I buy the ingredients for tonight's "special" dinner. I cried yesterday at work. I cried last night as I fall asleep. I cried this morning when I woke up. I cried on my way to dropping off Nathaniel to school. I cried at the Target dressing room and then again in the car when the country song "Over You" played on the radio. I cried when I asked my son as he eats his lunch if he wanted a baby brother. Only because he said yes and when I asked him why, his response was, "Because I need one."

Heal what has been hurt
Change the Fate's design

And so it seems it may be a while before I can face this day and feel more happy than sad. Or maybe I never will. Maybe March 14th will always be a sad day for me. Because today, just on this day, I am allowing myself to fully grieve (again). To cry an uncontrollable sob. To hurt for lost future. To long for the chance of witnessing another human being grow. To feel anger that what I had prayed for is so dismissible to others.

Save what has been lost
Bring back what once was mine

Tomorrow. Tomorrow will be different. Tomorrow has to be a better day. It is a new day. It brings new hope and new promises. It is also one day closer to meeting our children in heaven.

What once was mine


Pavlova
And a candle for Elijah and Ruth

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