Today would have been Elijah Damari's third birthday. To be honest, it is pretty difficult for me to imagine our angel babies as three year olds since it feels like Nathaniel was just three yesterday. To me, Elijah Damaris and Ruth James will always be little babies. Needing to be carried. Needing to be fed. Needing to be hugged. Needing to be loved.
Time does heal... Eventually, it really does. Not a day goes by that I don't think about them but I have accepted God's plan. I have come to peace with our losses. And God's plan was to keep Elijah and Ruth by His side while I take care of Nathaniel, Amelia, and soon to be Eleanor here on earth-side. And it brings me comfort to know that two of our children are already dancing and rejoicing with our Heavenly Father.
But the sadness.
That will never go away.
I am at peace but I still have my moments of sadness. When I think (and I often do) of the age gap between Nathaniel and Amelia. When the month of March rolls around. When I hear of another mother's loss. When I look at my husband's sad eyes knowing he is still grieving and I have no idea how to help him.
Every year I am hopeful that I will not cry--not even once--on March 14th. That it will be just another day. Every year, I fail. But I think I just need to start admitting that although it is well with my soul, I will always be sad for having just a very brief moment with Elijah Damaris and Ruth James. And that's ok.
It's ok to be sad.