When I finally found the courage to tell the world about Elijah Damaris, I didn't think I will have to summon that strength again. I had sincerely hoped that the next pregnancy news I will announce will be of a glorious one. Not of another loss.
On September 16th, we lost Ruth James after only knowing of him/her for two weeks. Our third child was roughly four weeks when he/she joined our Heavenly Father and older brother/sister Elijah Damaris. We were so hopeful and filled with joy for the pregnancy was perfect and going smoothly until that day when I had sudden heavy bleeding and cramps. Having experienced it just very recently, we knew what was happening and what to expect and yet we were still completely at a loss as to why it was happening again.
We were reassured this was not supposed to happen again. We were told the likelihood of a repeat miscarriage was slim. For I am a healthy woman at the peak of my fertile years. I had a previous full-term and healthy pregnancy. I do not smoke. I do not use recreational drugs. I rarely consume alcohol. All the odds were in my favor. And yet here I am, mourning the loss of another child.
Our OB doctor did not think testing is necessary unless we suffer a third miscarriage--his reasoning is because I was able to carry and deliver Nathaniel to full term. I was not ok with that idea. I am not going to wait and potentially lose another little person before any testing is going to be done. So I am scheduled for an exam and blood work in a couple weeks. I am hopeful it will shed some light as to why we are able to conceive so easily and yet I cannot hold on to the pregnancy.
In all honesty, I look at these pictures and have accepted that it may just be the three of us. I look at us and I even start to feel complete. But I know my husband---who, bless his heart, is grieving in his own way---looks at these and feel so incomplete. I told him that God forbid if we lose another one, then I am done. I don't think I have the energy or strength to go through it again. He doesn't say anything but I can see sadness in his face and disappointment in my decision. In fact, he rarely ever talks about it at all. And I really am trying so very hard to respect his way of mourning.
We decided to give our third child a female name first, followed by a male name. In the book of Ruth, we witnessed how her loyalty and faithfulness was rewarded big time by becoming an ancestor to David and ultimately to Jesus Christ. James because his book teaches about the Christian way of life and enduring trials. And having patience. Ruth James St. Louis
We still hold very firmly and strongly believe that God has a great plan. He will bless us with another child in His time and if it is His will. For "He has made everything beautiful in its time." My God truly is a great God.
"My brethren, count it all joy when you fall in various trials,
knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience.
But let patience have its perfect work,
that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing."
James 1: 2-4